he stands along the beach,
staring far off the distance.
staring at the setting sun,
he slowly drifts into the water.
he wanders without a thought,
just slowly wandering, aimlessly forward
he looks down, looking down below him,
he sees the waves brush against his feet,
all he feels is his hope slowly washing away.
he strides silently forward,
forward into the cold sea,
forgetting all reason,
all he feels is emptiness.
he treads further on,
turning his back on his past,
ignoring all advice,
he seeks to live a new life.
do i really have friends that care, or are their concern figments of my imagination. do they really say what they mean or are they lies that cover the hidden truths. I don't understand. I really don't. I thought I had people that understood me, but with each growing day with each growing hour , I feel lonelier. some say things about me, things that really hurt my feelings. But whenever I think about it, i feel guilty because I am guilty of smiliar offense. I try to run from the truth, but it only keeps coming back. I'm afraid of confrontation. i am afraid of so many things, so much that sometimes I try too hard. and so many times i mess up. It scares me how big and lonely this world is. I don't know who else I can trust. Who am I , i still do not know. I am so afraid of losing what little i have now. so afraid that i would lose another friend. How did it come to this, where people i thought understood me say things about me. where poeple i used 2 know and treasure and love grow distant. how did it come to the point where i can no longer hold the faith and trust of others. how did it come to this point where i am just a shadow in the wall, following everyone but not realisign myself.
Im afraid, so afraid of losing everything. so much materail possession yet the one thing i trully seek is to be accepted. but im still runnign this rat race, chasing after only my tail. i cant see god's plan for me. i dont live up to his word. im unfaithful and wavering in my faith. so much to the extent i pretend to be faithful. i act with the intent of deceit, to lie about my position. so much masquearading just to appear normal. There are so many hidden skeletons in my closet that i'm frightened by it all. Im just so scared of people seeing my skeletons and turning their backs on me. I hav broke some of their trust, i have hurt some of their feelings, i have lost of my friends. its just a cycle that leads on and on, and i cant do anything to reverse it. im just so afraid of being alone. God might always be there, but there will always be that something missing, soemthing that I have seeked yet never find.
whats the point of my existence anyway. god has a plan for me, but i dont see it, no matter how much i pray i always feel my lack of faith hampers me. I want to be faithful, i wan to be worthy of the lord, but my actions speak not of my words. I try to be someone, i try so hard to change myself, but in the end, i only come closer to my own demons. Some say to defeat your demon you hav to face them, but yet no matter how brave i face them, i alwasy succumb to their pressure.
I am alone, always alone. i dont know who care really. who really cares enough to listen to all my self pity to listen to all my troubles and no condescend them. i dunoo who will even bother to lsiten to me other than god. I need someone to listen, not just god but a human being, that goes through the same thing i have. to listen to me, to just listen. where are u, because i've been lookin for you for so long.
ayuzero went searching for the answer at 3:09 AM
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